Thursday, February 14, 2013

Different Directions

Sometimes going in different directions from the one you've set your heart on is a tough adjustment to make.

My recent experience with different directions:

It's a BOY! Again...

We have two boys already, so this makes number three for us.

I know that in writing this post I will have some judgment cast, but it's something that a lot of mothers go through and it is rarely admitted. 

Adonis had already said that this would be our last baby and I must admit that I was crossing my fingers and toes extra hard for a girl (even though I "knew" deep down, before the big ultrasound, that it was a boy). The picture in my head was to have a little goddess to follow in my footsteps, but the Lord and Lady had different plans for our family. We were thinking girl so much that we only had a name picked out for a little girl. I had dreams of sparkly shoes, tutus, and long wavy hair with bows.

When I saw the little extra body part that meant it was a boy and not a girl, I felt the tears well up. I told myself to stop, I told myself it wasn't right to be upset enough to cry, but the pregnancy hormones took over and once I made it to the car I cried. I felt like an awful mother for being sad and for not rejoicing in the healthy gift of life that I was being given. There are many mothers who cannot have children and there are still more who become pregnant and lose there babies.

How could I have sat there and been crying because I got another hot dog instead of a hamburger? 

I couldn't help it though; I can be a control freak and it's one of my vices that I work on. Major changes to my plans result in an emotional reaction sometimes and these darn hormones make it that much worse. It was not his extra body part that I was disappointed with and in actuality it had nothing to do with him at all. It was the expectations that I had unrealistically set myself up with and my own plans that had not materialized. Plans that I had absolutely no control over.

Just to reiterate and make it clear:  I was not at all unhappy about my new son's life. I love him very much, sing and talk to him daily, meditate on connecting with him, and CANNOT wait to see him with my own eyes.

It can take time to grab a hold of that silver lining or to set foot on the new path you've been given. Sometimes we set ourselves up for disappointment by hoping and wishing on something that we have no control over. This is where we need to remember to just let go and know that we are being put on a path for a reason. 

My silver lining: It's another baby (*happy dance*), my due date was moved up to June 22nd from July 1st, he has the CUTEST little hands I've seen in an ultrasound, I've always been told that boys are easier to raise, we don't have to buy a lot of new clothes since we still have most of them from when Hermes was a little baby, Adonis said that we could maybe try again in the future, and I'm still the only queen of my castle.

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